The Love Lounge with Damian and Zoe

We have a  different type of podcast this week!  Zoe and Damian take a look at a question that has been sent in to us at the Love Lounge at Enhance the UK. 

What do you do when you're in a relationship with a disabled partner and your parents have big concerns about it?

They share the advice given by our team who help to answer every question sent in to us with an individual tailored, down to earth answer. Those that answer the Love Lounge questions have their own lived experience and professional expertise, be it as a counsellor or sex education trainer. 

Its a short podcast featuring one of many questions we receive. 

Transcript

Damian Weatherald  0:10  
Welcome to Enhance the UK's  Undressing Disability podcast. Every month we will be bringing you a featured question from the love lounge, where we answer your questions about all things love, sex and disability. Today we have a question from Ellen, about her relationship with a disabled guy and how her family are dealing with it. We have looked at it as a team and Zoe is going to give us the answer that we came up with. Hi, Zoe. 

Zoe Lloyd  0:32  
Hiya

Yeah, I'm looking forward to listening to this one. I think a lot of people find it useful. So do you want to read out the question as it came into us Damian? 

Damian Weatherald  0:41  
I do. Ellen writes, dear Love Lounge, I need your advice on my family's reaction to my relationship with a disabled guy. My parents have met my partner numerous times over the past year, and we all get along really well. Last month, we moved in together and plan to get married. My dad has suddenly gone a bit weird about it all asking questions like who will put up the shelves for you and who will cut the grass? I find it out there. It's not 1950. And I can put up shelves and cut the grass but he's still going on about it. My partner knows there's something upsetting me, but I haven't told him about my dad's comments yet. I'm not quite sure how he'll handle the conversation as he loves my folks. It's really upsetting that my dad has been off when it should be a happy time for us. Please help. What do you think Zoey? What did we come up with?

Zoe Lloyd  1:24  
I'm really pleased Ellen's written in. Thanks, Ellen. Because I think that this is actually a more common scenario than you might think. Although me saying that doesn't necessarily make you feel better at this time. But this is how we answered you. So hopefully other people can take some help from this. Being in a relationship with a disabled partner can indeed bring practical problems, but they are invariably solutions to most of them. Your parents naturally want their daughter to be looked after. Your dad seems to be focusing on what your partner can't do rather than what he can offer. I think that the generations before us seem to have their jobs clearly divided into blue and pink jobs. Many of us now subscribe to that nation less than this. So perhaps your dad's perception is that to be a man of the house, you have to put up shelves and mow the lawn. And this is how he felt that he supported his family and looked after his girls doing these blue jobs validated him as a husband and a father. So I wonder if it might be worth a chat with him, Ellen about his way of thinking as this isn't necessarily dependent on your partner's disability, you could have a non disabled partner who is useless at putting up shelves. I would also consider mentioning this to your dad, what would have happened if he married a non disabled person and then they became a wheelchair user? You would naturally have to adapt to a new way of life as he may no longer be able to do these tasks. I very much doubt that your dad will encourage you to leave them just because they can no longer mow a lawn. It sounds like your dad's a little fearful of the future and has gone into a fatherly protective mode. I'm sure a simple adult to adult chat to reassure him may be all that he needs. I think not getting angry or defensive will help you. It appears that this is really coming from a place of concern from your dad rather than a place of mean prejudice. A gentle talk with confidence and assertion from yourself about how you will manage the household and the relationship as a whole will, I'm sure allay his fears. 

It's really encouraging that he gets on well with your partner and has known him for a year. Your dad will have seen the lovely attributes of your boyfriend, those that you've fallen in love with. Hence why being in a relationship with a disabled partner doesn't bother you, as it is about much more than the practicalities of a disability. It's great that your partner really likes your parents and I can understand why you may not want to disclose your dad's comments to him, it could maybe hurt your partner or emasculate him perhaps, or conversely, he may totally empathise with your dad and be willing to talk to him to reassure him. He may then be able to express how he contributes to the partnership and what that looks like to him. His dedication, his emotional support, commitment, love - all way more important than, he may be unable to make Wimbledon quality lawns. And hey, if it's such an issue, or your partner really does fancy doing the mowing, he could always get hoisted up onto a ride on one. Good luck with the chats Ellen, I've every confidence that this can be easily sorted with a bit of empathy and compassion from both sides. So good luck.

Damian Weatherald  4:21  
Thanks for that, Zoe. I think that's a cracking answer. And I hope that's helped Ellen and hopefully it might help some other people as well.

Zoe Lloyd  4:27  
If you want to contact us with a question for some down to earth advice about anything in the realms of sex, love and relationships, email us at Hello at Hello@enhancetheuk.org. We have a great team of people with lived experience and professional expertise to help answer your question in the best way that we can. And you can read through many of our answers that we've given on the Love lounge section of our website at Enhance the UK Also you might want to join our undressing disability hub for free, where you can access educational resources and connect with experts In the field of sex and disability